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Thursday, 29 July 2010

  • I'm a loser baby...

    First off, does anyone still read this thing? It's weird and familiar to write a blog. I mean, it's changed in 7 years and I mean changed! I feel really old in that, I don't like the new set up but I guess I'll live with it. Even though a lot of things have changed on Xanga, the main reason I join Xanga hasn't, and that's to have a place to write down my thoughts.

    I feel like a loser. There, I've said it and acknowledge it. Maybe if I acknowledge it and therefore own it, I can change it. Sorry, that was from Dr. Phil. Too many hours watching bad TV apparently. 

    Why do I feel like a loser...the list is endless..

    1. I am unemployed and having a hard time finding a job. If that doesn't make you feel like a loser, please share some of your self confidence with me please. I am (gulp) 29 years old and feel like I'm starting all over again when I was 22. It feels like when you die in Mario Bros and didn't get that checkpoint flag so that when you die you have to start all over instead of at the flag. Yeah, it feels like that but SOOOOOOOOOOOO much worst. Do I keep looking for a teaching job or back to biotech. Either way, I'm screwed. Which leads me to reason No.2

    2. Wedding, please refer to previous loser post about that one. Now, instead of me feeling bad about just the wedding, please insert me feeling bad the bridal shower, bachelorette party, dresses, invites, etc. I am trying to look on the bright side but sometimes it's hard NOT to get down. I KNOW that this is supposed to be the time of my life, but this is just stressful. 

    **What are the symptoms of a panic attack again?

    3. Being overwhelmed. I know this is probably a trait that should be squashed, but I tend to think if this happens, then that will happen, then this will happen. Making mountains out of mole hills. Lately, it's one negative thing after another. I'm trying, trying so hard to stay positive but there are times when I want to hide in a corner and curl up and take a very long nap. Preferable, when all of my problems are fixed, ala Sleeping Beauty.

    Now that I have vented and written down my problems, I'm going to give you the pep talk I give myself everyday.

    1. I am not a loser. There are many people that are in my position and I have the fiancée to lean on and there is always a biotech job if I can't get a teaching job. No one thinks you are a loser but you. Stop thinking like that.

    2. The wedding will have things that will go wrong. Focus on the loving happy part,  when I will be married. Everything happens for a reason.

    3. It's ok to be overwhelmed but don't play the What if this goes wrong game because you will always lose. Focus on the now and what you can change.

    Wow, looking back over this post it seems like I am VERY bipolar. I'm trying to stay positive, that's my mantra. I can do this! I mean, who can be sad listening to Glee?

Thursday, 13 May 2010

  • Chug chug chugging along

    I’m in mourning for my job. I’m still going to be unemployed and it still hurts though it’s not the sharp stab of a knife by a throbbing wound that comes and goes through out the day, though out the week. It’s affecting my sleep. Some nights, I can’t get to bed until 1 or 2 and I have to get up at 6 so by the time I get home I’m beat. It’s like there’s a little hamster wheel going round and round in my head.

    Right now, I’m my room. Three years ago got my first classroom and it’s a beauty. It has 3 sinks, lab tables, and a million science materials, from microscopes, laptops, to rocks, to a million other random items that would make any science teacher’s day. My friends (who are way smarter now) came out to help me put it together. It took 8 of us all day to just put stuff on the walls and move random boxes out of the way. I look at the walls and smile because I see friends standing precariously on their tip toes to staple things into the walls. That alphabet was put up by my 2 best guy friends (and it’s still crooked boys!), that wall was put up by my hardworking girlfriends (it’s straight and super cute) and the hours of sweat and excitement that I was finally starting my dream.

    I am slowly taking things off of the walls, putting books away, packing up crayons and pencils and I’m trying not to let it get to me. I have about 5 weeks left of teaching and I’m trying to stay positive but it feels that with every little poster, book, or basket that I put away makes the layoff more real. It’s like packing up your cubicle but you have 5 weeks to do it and you have to find room at home to store it. Sorry future hubby, the clean garage you spent the last month organizing is going to be a disaster zone.

    I know that I’ll be back to teaching but I don’t know when. The future hubby says we’ll be alright financially and to give teaching jobs until the end of October (when we get married) and then I’ll be off looking for a corporate job. I’ll be fine financially but my heart will be a little bruised leaving my school, teacher friends, and my kids! All 449 students drive me crazy at one point or another but they’ve also made me laugh and giggle and brighten my day. I think I’m going to miss them the most. I mean, who’s going to tell me that I look pretty, scream my name across the playground and run towards me, and give me random hugs?

    I think I'm going to have to go hang out with some of my friends kids or more niece more to compensate.

Sunday, 25 April 2010

  • Breath, Breath, BREATH!

    I'm trying not throw up. I'm trying not to panic. I'm trying not to feel this knot is growing, bubbling, and threaten to choke me on the panic and fear that I'm feeling. There's a big work showdown tomorrow, in front of a judge, lawyers, the works. I can't help but feel that I'm standing on the edge and by then end of the day, I'll find out if I've been pushed or still looking over that cliff. I'm ready to get it over with but the waiting is killing me. I hope that I remember to breathe while I'm waiting.

Tuesday, 06 April 2010

  • Dragging my feet...

    I'm having a hard time picking a day and an event for my birthday celebration. Usually, I like to celebrate my birthday ALL month. I would say, "Well it's my birthmonth!" Oh, the times that I've had. All 28 years of them. This year, I'm turning 29 and there's not much excitement or real joy for me. This is ridiculous because it's 11 days away and still nothing. My friends are on me and I don't really have an answer. A shrug is my response. Old sekura would have already sent out the evite, made reservations, picked out her hair, make up, outfit, shoes, checked the weather, and made back up plans. This year, nothing.

    Maybe, it's something to do with the unemployment situation I'll soon find myself in. Does it all stem back to that? I've been fighting and fighting it and fighting it, but I am depressed. I just didn't realized that it manifested itself in passive aggressive procrastination. I mean, yeah, I know I can get depressed when I feel sad, start crying, have a hard time starting my day, and become a little irrational, but avoiding making decisions? Ducking the issue? I didn't realize it until now.

    I'm still trying to get myself out of this funk. I've got this week off, thank you Spring Break and I made a to do list (it's LONG PEOPLE! there's 25 things to do) I'm trying to plow through it. I HOPE to finish most of it and get DONE. No more monkeys on my back.

    Another symptom is not really wanting to be around my friends. I really love them, but it's hard. When they're around it's questions about work, questions about the wedding and honestly, those are my two biggest stress buttons right now. One effects the other and to be honest, I'm getting a headache and a stomach ache thinking about either. When you put the two together, it's not good people. Hey, I think I just realized why I've avoiding the birthday celebration. Ahhh, light bulb just went on. I honestly want a birthday of mindless fun. No worries about losing my job next year, no worries about paying for the wedding, no worries about dealing with my parents and wedding stuff and telling them I've lost my job. No worries of searching for a new job. Just no worries for one day. That's what I want for my birthday and since I know that's not possible, I'd rather just skip the day.

    Let's see how it goes...

Thursday, 25 March 2010

  • Getting up, Falling Down, getting up again

    I’m getting up and falling down but the most important thing is that keep getting up. The last time that I blogged, I wrote about losing my job, my identity, and my self esteem. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions that still continue to this day. There are days when all I want to do is cry, others where I just want to scream, and still others where I’m ok as long you don’t ask me about losing my job. You would be the 9787868543 person to ask me about it today, and to tell you the truth, I’m tired of talking about it. I’m dotting my t’s and crossing my i’s to make sure that everything is kosher but it still gets draining. It’s also hard to do your best work when you know that you’ll be unemployed soon. My friend says instead of being a lame duck president, you’re a lame duck teacher. Sad but true.

    I am getting back on my feet by going and applying for jobs in the biotech field, maybe I can convince the fiancée to be part time. Maybe it won’t be so soul KILLING.

    Other then that, wedding world is up and running. I’ve finished the Save the Dates and we got someone to do design a wedding invitation for us. I’m going wedding dress shopping soon and the photography, ceremony site, venue, and flowers are booked. Just little stuff now that I know that I can do in the summer when I’m unemployed. Something to look forward to.

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sekura81

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    • Name: Sam
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