First off, does anyone still read this thing? It’s weird and familiar to write a blog. I mean, it’s changed in 7 years and I mean changed! I feel really old in that, I don’t like the new set up but I guess I’ll live with it. Even though a lot of things have changed on Xanga, the main reason I join Xanga hasn’t, and that’s to have a place to write down my thoughts.

I feel like a loser. There, I’ve said it and acknowledge it. Maybe if I acknowledge it and therefore own it, I can change it. Sorry, that was from Dr. Phil. Too many hours watching bad TV apparently. 

Why do I feel like a loser…the list is endless..

1. I am unemployed and having a hard time finding a job. If that doesn’t make you feel like a loser, please share some of your self confidence with me please. I am (gulp) 29 years old and feel like I’m starting all over again when I was 22. It feels like when you die in Mario Bros and didn’t get that checkpoint flag so that when you die you have to start all over instead of at the flag. Yeah, it feels like that but SOOOOOOOOOOOO much worst. Do I keep looking for a teaching job or back to biotech. Either way, I’m screwed. Which leads me to reason No.2

2. Wedding, please refer to previous loser post about that one. Now, instead of me feeling bad about just the wedding, please insert me feeling bad the bridal shower, bachelorette party, dresses, invites, etc. I am trying to look on the bright side but sometimes it’s hard NOT to get down. I KNOW that this is supposed to be the time of my life, but this is just stressful. 

**What are the symptoms of a panic attack again?

3. Being overwhelmed. I know this is probably a trait that should be squashed, but I tend to think if this happens, then that will happen, then this will happen. Making mountains out of mole hills. Lately, it’s one negative thing after another. I’m trying, trying so hard to stay positive but there are times when I want to hide in a corner and curl up and take a very long nap. Preferable, when all of my problems are fixed, ala Sleeping Beauty.

Now that I have vented and written down my problems, I’m going to give you the pep talk I give myself everyday.

1. I am not a loser. There are many people that are in my position and I have the fiancée to lean on and there is always a biotech job if I can’t get a teaching job. No one thinks you are a loser but you. Stop thinking like that.

2. The wedding will have things that will go wrong. Focus on the loving happy part,  when I will be married. Everything happens for a reason.

3. It’s ok to be overwhelmed but don’t play the What if this goes wrong game because you will always lose. Focus on the now and what you can change.

Wow, looking back over this post it seems like I am VERY bipolar. I’m trying to stay positive, that’s my mantra. I can do this! I mean, who can be sad listening to Glee?

I’m in mourning for my job. I’m still going to be unemployed and it still hurts though it’s not the sharp stab of a knife by a throbbing wound that comes and goes through out the day, though out the week. It’s affecting my sleep. Some nights, I can’t get to bed until 1 or 2 and I have to get up at 6 so by the time I get home I’m beat. It’s like there’s a little hamster wheel going round and round in my head.

Right now, I’m my room. Three years ago got my first classroom and it’s a beauty. It has 3 sinks, lab tables, and a million science materials, from microscopes, laptops, to rocks, to a million other random items that would make any science teacher’s day. My friends (who are way smarter now) came out to help me put it together. It took 8 of us all day to just put stuff on the walls and move random boxes out of the way. I look at the walls and smile because I see friends standing precariously on their tip toes to staple things into the walls. That alphabet was put up by my 2 best guy friends (and it’s still crooked boys!), that wall was put up by my hardworking girlfriends (it’s straight and super cute) and the hours of sweat and excitement that I was finally starting my dream.

I am slowly taking things off of the walls, putting books away, packing up crayons and pencils and I’m trying not to let it get to me. I have about 5 weeks left of teaching and I’m trying to stay positive but it feels that with every little poster, book, or basket that I put away makes the layoff more real. It’s like packing up your cubicle but you have 5 weeks to do it and you have to find room at home to store it. Sorry future hubby, the clean garage you spent the last month organizing is going to be a disaster zone.

I know that I’ll be back to teaching but I don’t know when. The future hubby says we’ll be alright financially and to give teaching jobs until the end of October (when we get married) and then I’ll be off looking for a corporate job. I’ll be fine financially but my heart will be a little bruised leaving my school, teacher friends, and my kids! All 449 students drive me crazy at one point or another but they’ve also made me laugh and giggle and brighten my day. I think I’m going to miss them the most. I mean, who’s going to tell me that I look pretty, scream my name across the playground and run towards me, and give me random hugs?

I think I’m going to have to go hang out with some of my friends kids or more niece more to compensate.

I’m trying not throw up. I’m trying not to panic. I’m trying not to feel this knot is growing, bubbling, and threaten to choke me on the panic and fear that I’m feeling. There’s a big work showdown tomorrow, in front of a judge, lawyers, the works. I can’t help but feel that I’m standing on the edge and by then end of the day, I’ll find out if I’ve been pushed or still looking over that cliff. I’m ready to get it over with but the waiting is killing me. I hope that I remember to breathe while I’m waiting.

I’m having a hard time picking a day and an event for my birthday celebration. Usually, I like to celebrate my birthday ALL month. I would say, “Well it’s my birthmonth!” Oh, the times that I’ve had. All 28 years of them. This year, I’m turning 29 and there’s not much excitement or real joy for me. This is ridiculous because it’s 11 days away and still nothing. My friends are on me and I don’t really have an answer. A shrug is my response. Old sekura would have already sent out the evite, made reservations, picked out her hair, make up, outfit, shoes, checked the weather, and made back up plans. This year, nothing.

Maybe, it’s something to do with the unemployment situation I’ll soon find myself in. Does it all stem back to that? I’ve been fighting and fighting it and fighting it, but I am depressed. I just didn’t realized that it manifested itself in passive aggressive procrastination. I mean, yeah, I know I can get depressed when I feel sad, start crying, have a hard time starting my day, and become a little irrational, but avoiding making decisions? Ducking the issue? I didn’t realize it until now.

I’m still trying to get myself out of this funk. I’ve got this week off, thank you Spring Break and I made a to do list (it’s LONG PEOPLE! there’s 25 things to do) I’m trying to plow through it. I HOPE to finish most of it and get DONE. No more monkeys on my back.

Another symptom is not really wanting to be around my friends. I really love them, but it’s hard. When they’re around it’s questions about work, questions about the wedding and honestly, those are my two biggest stress buttons right now. One effects the other and to be honest, I’m getting a headache and a stomach ache thinking about either. When you put the two together, it’s not good people. Hey, I think I just realized why I’ve avoiding the birthday celebration. Ahhh, light bulb just went on. I honestly want a birthday of mindless fun. No worries about losing my job next year, no worries about paying for the wedding, no worries about dealing with my parents and wedding stuff and telling them I’ve lost my job. No worries of searching for a new job. Just no worries for one day. That’s what I want for my birthday and since I know that’s not possible, I’d rather just skip the day.

Let’s see how it goes…

I’m getting up and falling down but the most important thing is that keep getting up. The last time that I blogged, I wrote about losing my job, my identity, and my self esteem. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions that still continue to this day. There are days when all I want to do is cry, others where I just want to scream, and still others where I’m ok as long you don’t ask me about losing my job. You would be the 9787868543 person to ask me about it today, and to tell you the truth, I’m tired of talking about it. I’m dotting my t’s and crossing my i’s to make sure that everything is kosher but it still gets draining. It’s also hard to do your best work when you know that you’ll be unemployed soon. My friend says instead of being a lame duck president, you’re a lame duck teacher. Sad but true.

I am getting back on my feet by going and applying for jobs in the biotech field, maybe I can convince the fiancée to be part time. Maybe it won’t be so soul KILLING.

Other then that, wedding world is up and running. I’ve finished the Save the Dates and we got someone to do design a wedding invitation for us. I’m going wedding dress shopping soon and the photography, ceremony site, venue, and flowers are booked. Just little stuff now that I know that I can do in the summer when I’m unemployed. Something to look forward to.

I know the economy is bad and has been for the last 2-3 years. I’ve been a good planner. I’ve always saved half my paycheck for the past 6 years, I’ve always been on a budget and in 2009 with were able to buy a house and plan to get married. However, this week, I’ve gotten my pinkslip. I’m a teacher and well, if you’ve the seen the news about layoffs in the school systems, I’m only one of thousands of teachers that are being laid off. LAUSD had to cut 165 million alone. I’m joining the ranks of the unemployed and it’s hard. Being a teacher is not just a job it’s my identity and I feel like that’s being ripped from me too and being replaced by LOSER. Who doesn’t feel like a loser when they get let go from their job? I know that it’s not personal and to be honest, I know that I kick ass at my job. That I was meant to be a teacher and it’s what I am supposed to do with my life. Which makes it even harder to be leaving it.

It’s frustrating because I don’t know when I’ll be able to be a teacher again. Remember those really really old blog entries 4+ years ago? Where I was in the worst job with the worst boss with the worst co-workers ever? Well, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to go back into that field. I don’t want to become that person again. I was 24 when I left and I’m 28 now, but I felt so worn out and old then. I feel like I’m being punished when I did everything right.

I studied hard and worked throughout high school and college. I got my first professional job and worked hard at that too. When I realized it wasn’t what I wanted, I went back to school (and massive amounts of debt) to study education and worked even harder finding a job as a teacher. The last 3 years, I’ve honestly been the happiest in my life and now, it’s back to uncertainty and even more frustration.

There wasn’t any crying when I wrote this blog because I spent most of Tuesday curled up in a ball crying for my Mommy. How are we going to afford this mortgage? What about the wedding? How long can we go without me having a job? When can I apply for unemployment? When will I get a new job? Will it be in education or back to biotech? A million questions are running through my mind and it’s all scary. This is where being with a SUPER PLANNER comes in handy. The future hubby has all financials covered and we’re good for at least the 8 months without my unemployment or dipping into our 401K. We are still getting married and we’re ok for now.

But, it’s scary and the future is really uncertain. When I was growing up, my parents had and still do, run their own business. My parents worried about money almost every day and I grew up with one of my greatest goals of achieving financial security. That’s prob the main reason I wanted to enter the medical field. Losing this job, potentially my first home, and maybe my wedding, is my worst fear come true.

Then there’s the shame of failing. I don’t even know how I’m going to tell my parents. My dad is going to be crushed…

I know the economy is bad and has been for the last 2-3 years. I’ve been a good planner. I’ve always saved half my paycheck for the past 6 years, I’ve always been on a budget and in 2009 with were able to buy a house and plan to get married. However, this week, I’ve gotten my pinkslip. I’m a teacher and well, if you’ve the seen the news about layoffs in the school systems, I’m only one of thousands of teachers that are being laid off. LAUSD had to cut 165 million alone. I’m joining the ranks of the unemployed and it’s hard. Being a teacher is not just a job it’s my identity and I feel like that’s being ripped from me too and being replaced by LOSER. Who doesn’t feel like a loser when they get let go from their job? I know that it’s not personal and to be honest, I know that I kick ass at my job. That I was meant to be a teacher and it’s what I am supposed to do with my life. Which makes it even harder to be leaving it.

It’s frustrating because I don’t know when I’ll be able to be a teacher again. Remember those really really old blog entries 4+ years ago? Where I was in the worst job with the worst boss with the worst co-workers ever? Well, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to go back into that field. I don’t want to become that person again. I was 24 when I left and I’m 28 now, but I felt so worn out and old then. I feel like I’m being punished when I did everything right.

I studied hard and worked throughout high school and college. I got my first professional job and worked hard at that too. When I realized it wasn’t what I wanted, I went back to school (and massive amounts of debt) to study education and worked even harder finding a job as a teacher. The last 3 years, I’ve honestly been the happiest in my life and now, it’s back to uncertainty and even more frustration.

There wasn’t any crying when I wrote this blog because I spent most of Tuesday curled up in a ball crying for my Mommy. How are we going to afford this mortgage? What about the wedding? How long can we go without me having a job? When can I apply for unemployment? When will I get a new job? Will it be in education or back to biotech? A million questions are running through my mind and it’s all scary. This is where being with a SUPER PLANNER comes in handy. The future hubby has all financials covered and we’re good for at least the 8 months without my unemployment or dipping into our 401K. We are still getting married and we’re ok for now.

But, it’s scary and the future is really uncertain. When I was growing up, my parents had and still do, run their own business. My parents worried about money almost every day and I grew up with one of my greatest goals of achieving financial security. That’s prob the main reason I wanted to enter the medical field. Losing this job, potentially my first home, and maybe my wedding, is my worst fear come true.

Then there’s the shame of failing. I don’t even know how I’m going to tell my parents. My dad is going to be crushed…

I promised myself that I would write more and here it is in February and I have barely written anything. Time has flown by and I still can’t believe that I have to write 2010 as the year. January was jammed packed with wedding errands. My future husband (weird to write that) has turned into a groomzilla! Normally, I am the bossy one and I thought I would be the bridezilla but alas, he has an opinion on EVERYTHING. This includes the food, flowers, ceremony site, reception site, etc etc etc. It’s making me want to tear out my hair, seriously. To compromise, he’s gave me a choice of my top 3 that I can have no matter the price. I have ultimate last say. I choose the ceremony site, photographer, and my wedding dress. So far, I think we’ve got the major stuff done but I still can’t believe that we’re getting married in 8 months. Eep! I’m starting to hyperventilate just writing that!

Onto non wedding news, I think I’ve been hexed!

Last Thursday my brother had surgery and I took off Thursday and Friday to spend time with the family. As if that wasn’t stressed or busy enough, I decided to treat myself with a new face wash, Neutrogena Grapefruit face wash to be exact. Ummm, little did I know that I would end up getting an allergic reaction to it. My entire face turned red and began to peel, and is still peeling over a week later. It looks like patches of red and brown and itches like crazy. I feel like that guy from the Fly where he peels his skin off bit by bit, or even Stewie peeling his skin off. Gross! Just call me Patchy! Besides my face peeling, I learned that your ears can peel too. Nice! I have to put lotion on it every half hour to try to stop my face from turning into leather. That happened on Thursday and on Friday I went to my friends house, not realizing the extent of the allergic reaction from the face wash. My friend has a cat and I learned after the visit that I am allergic to cats. How did I know? My red splotchy face (from the face wash) had HIVES all over it and my arms from the cat. GREAT! Two allergic reactions in a 48 hour period. Just shoot me.

When Sunday rolled around, I got my period (Thanks Mother Nature) and spent the week trying to get through work. This Thursday, I’ve got horrible flu like symptoms and barely get through work Friday. Today, I’ve spent 10+ hours in bed sleeping. It’s shaping up to a great week because I think half my face has molted and only another half to go!

Take it from me, don’t try any new face wash without testing a TINY dab first. If I posted a picture of what I look like now, I would scare the crap out of you.

There, I’ve vented and hopefully given you some good advice!

Reyrey – WILL call you! So crazy this week.

I spent my Father’s Day spending the day with the family. Being around the family is fun and relaxing and having all the kids together happens very rarely. I am super close to my Dad. He’s a stepfather to my two older siblings, and had me and my brother with my Mom. He’s really just a wonderful father to us all. I DON’T like the labels of stepfather and half sibling, etc. We’re a family, that’s it. Father’s Day brings up a lot of memories for Dad. He’s a Cambodian refugee and lost his entire family during the Khmer Rouge. He told me a story that aptly describes the hard choices of his life and that of being a father.

Ever since I got engaged there have been so many responsibilities and obligations that have popped up. I look down at my hand and see such a sparkely beautiful ring but it’s weighing on me. Everyone has asked, “When are you going to get married?” Well, I plan to get married as soon as we can buy a house. Now, buying a house is no easy thing. It takes forever and there are so many details and it takes lots and lots of money. I mean lots and lots of money. We plan on buying the house and having some money left over to put towards the wedding. It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve gotten engaged and it’s go go go! Plus my sister is expecting a little girl in September and that piles on a lot of future Auntie Sekura duties.

The main thing is finding the right place in the right location for the BEST price. It’s scary out there and we’re first time home buyers. Of course there are great things about buying a house, living in a place you own. But there are so many other details that you have to know and be aware of. Closing costs, short sell versus a REO, equity seller, loan applications, inspectors, points, etc etc etc. The BF NOW the Fiancee is one of those people that research the CRAP out of anything to get the best value. Let’s just say that he’s passed that UNWANTED knowledge to me. I feel like I can get a second job as a real estate agent now. I used to love watching House Hunters on HGTV but now I just get pissed. These people in North Carolina, Texas, or Michigen BITCH about home prices and lot sizes and privacy. Well, come to Orange County, California and see what you get for your money. VERY LITTLE! Sigh. I had to get that rant out cause they do get a lot more in those areas then in OC. But, I remind myself, it’s Orange County and worth it.

So the summer will be me house hunting like crazy. I hope we can find something soon. I can’t wait to get married. Notice I wrote, “Get married.” Not plan the wedding. That entails combining American, Cambodian, Chinese, Viet, Catholic, and Buddhist traditions into one event. My stomach already hurts thinking about it. Out parents did meet and exchange gifts. The great thing is that they really like each other (whew) and respect each other.

Now, just to find that house!