October 7, 2008

• Am I A Bad Daughter?

  
  

  Being the girl that I am, I am especially close to my
  parents. I am the prodigal child that would do whatever they asked and rarely,
  if ever, gave them problems. Wash the dishes? Already done. Vacuum the floor?
  Done. Work extra late on a Saturday night at the donut shop? Sure, no problem.
  Grow up to be a doctor. Ummm, I tried and that was my ONE rebellion. Growing
  up, I always made it a point to make them happy. I knew how hard they worked
  because I was next to them working too. I learned to add on a cash register.
  Seriously. I always went home from college whenever my parents wanted me too,
  the 4 hour round trip didn’t phase me. When my Mom got sick with a kidney
  infection a couple of years ago, I dropped everything to go home and take care
  of her and do what she wanted, which included changing all the blinds in the
  house, cleaning out the kitchen cupboards, and redoing most of the living room.
  Every day there was list she wanted done and me being the prodigal, do anything
  you want child, I did what she wanted. Now that I’ve gotten older I’m starting
  to resent these bindings. This summer was the first summer that I’ve ever had
  off to do whatever I want.

   

  Every summer since I was 8,
  summer meant that I would now spend my time at the donut shop helping out my
  parents with occasional trips to the local library. I HATED summer. I didn’t
  get to see my friends because I wasn’t home and it was boring. Stuck in a place
  with no TV, no internet either, and no where for a kid to play. In college I always
  worked during summer and went to summer school. It was more relaxed but you
  couldn’t call it a summer break. Then getting a job post college and that was
  the end for my chance at my ideal summer. This summer was my first FUN summer
  ever, really. It’s sad that it’s taken me this long to get a fun summer but at
  least I got it! However, the guilt of not spending time with my parents made me
  feel well, like a bad daughter. My Dad has got a freakn’ PH.D in Guilt and
  Punishment. The last conversation I had with him was, “Why don’t you come home
  for the last two weeks of summer vacation? One day I will die and THEN you’ll
  understand and know.” GREAT, thanks for the one way ticket to Guilt City Dad.

   

   I knew that I didn’t want to end my summer at
  home with my parents. I knew what would be involved. Working and helping out
  because that’s what they expected. That’s the pattern that’s been established
  for 20+ years but it’s one I need to break. I would LOVE to spend time with
  them but it’s draining too. I love my life and doing things on the weekends
  that makes me happy. I like enjoying the last days of summer and lying on the
  beach, going fishing, eating lunch with the BF, meeting friends for dinner, and
  just being a completely selfish horrible daughter. That’s the dichotomy of what
  I feel. Didn’t I pay my dues working? Can I please start my life and enjoy what
  I’ve worked so hard for? I wish I could just cut myself into two people, the
  dutiful should have been doctor daughter that is gentle, kind, thoughtful, devoted
  to her family and have all the time in the world for them. Then there’s the
  other half that wants to throw caution to the wind and go teach in Prague, that wants to learn to surf and sky dive, that
  wants to ride a camel in the Sahara, that can
  sew an awesome purse AND catch a 10lb bass. I just need some time being a
  little bit more selfish so I can be unselfish. Does that make sense or just a bad daughter?

  • 7:04 pm
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