I'm trying not throw up. I'm trying not to panic. I'm trying not to feel this knot is growing, bubbling, and threaten to choke me on the panic and fear that I'm feeling. There's a big work showdown tomorrow, in front of a judge, lawyers, the works. I can't help but feel that I'm standing on the edge and by then end of the day, I'll find out if I've been pushed or still looking over that cliff. I'm ready to get it over with but the waiting is killing me. I hope that I remember to breathe while I'm waiting.

I'm having a hard time picking a day and an event for my birthday celebration. Usually, I like to celebrate my birthday ALL month. I would say, "Well it's my birthmonth!" Oh, the times that I've had. All 28 years of them. This year, I'm turning 29 and there's not much excitement or real joy for me. This is ridiculous because it's 11 days away and still nothing. My friends are on me and I don't really have an answer. A shrug is my response. Old sekura would have already sent out the evite, made reservations, picked out her hair, make up, outfit, shoes, checked the weather, and made back up plans. This year, nothing.

Maybe, it's something to do with the unemployment situation I'll soon find myself in. Does it all stem back to that? I've been fighting and fighting it and fighting it, but I am depressed. I just didn't realized that it manifested itself in passive aggressive procrastination. I mean, yeah, I know I can get depressed when I feel sad, start crying, have a hard time starting my day, and become a little irrational, but avoiding making decisions? Ducking the issue? I didn't realize it until now.

I'm still trying to get myself out of this funk. I've got this week off, thank you Spring Break and I made a to do list (it's LONG PEOPLE! there's 25 things to do) I'm trying to plow through it. I HOPE to finish most of it and get DONE. No more monkeys on my back.

Another symptom is not really wanting to be around my friends. I really love them, but it's hard. When they're around it's questions about work, questions about the wedding and honestly, those are my two biggest stress buttons right now. One effects the other and to be honest, I'm getting a headache and a stomach ache thinking about either. When you put the two together, it's not good people. Hey, I think I just realized why I've avoiding the birthday celebration. Ahhh, light bulb just went on. I honestly want a birthday of mindless fun. No worries about losing my job next year, no worries about paying for the wedding, no worries about dealing with my parents and wedding stuff and telling them I've lost my job. No worries of searching for a new job. Just no worries for one day. That's what I want for my birthday and since I know that's not possible, I'd rather just skip the day.

Let's see how it goes...